leadership questions

Therapists on Leadership

October 14 2022

3 Keys to Leading Diverse Communities

Therapists on Leadership leadership questions, narcissism

Communities around the world have been stunned, outraged, and angered by the anti-Black, anti-immigrant, and anti-Indigenous statements made on a leaked audio by three Latinx Los Angeles City Council Members and the President of the Los Angeles County Federation of Labor.

As a therapist helping BIPOC, LGBTQIA+, immigrant, and other marginalized communities heal from institutional trauma (and as a queer child of immigrants myself) I am in solidarity with the communities who have been negatively impacted by this incident.

Furthermore, this article presents three keys to leadership that can reduce the likelihood of similar incidents in the future.

Politics can mean the difference between life and death for marginalized and deliberately unheard communities. When public officials dehumanize the communities they were elected to serve, the well-being of those communities is in danger.

It’s important that voters choose wisely and know the signs of a leader who truly advocates for them.

Key One: Cultural Humility

The solution is not about getting more education.

Four individuals with college degrees—who knew better—chose to gleefully dehumanize their constituents in a blatant power grab. We have seen other incidents where highly educated individuals have put Black and Brown people in danger to exert power under white supremacy.

Electing leaders with cultural humility can minimize the chance of these scandals from happening in the first place.

Culturally humble leaders are aware that they don’t know everything, that they will make mistakes even if they have the best intentions, and commit to continuous learning from their mistakes so that marginalized people do not face further harm.

Culturally humble leaders put their egos aside for the causes of justice and service to all humanity—not just service to themselves and those who share their identity.

As Los Angeles City Council Member Mike Bonin said in his statement to the public days after hearing the racist attacks on his son:

“As the white father of a black child, you stumble, and you fuck up, and you try to do your best to be a parent and an ally. I get it wrong a lot. I get it right sometimes. I knew that I did not want this story about virulent anti-Black racism to be centered upon an angry white dad…I know that I can never really know, or comprehend, or feel, the weight of the daily, relentless anti-Black racism that my son is gonna face. But man…I know the fire that you feel when someone tries to destroy Black Boy Joy.”

Bonin’s statement exemplifies cultural humility. As a clinician who helped shape and evaluate professional training for the Center for Adoption Support and Education, I am confident that he and his husband are raising their son to be proud of his Black identity. The dehumanization of Bonin and his family is even more heartbreaking knowing that clinically, he has the compassionate approach recommended for white parents who want to raise a happy, healthy adopted Black child.

Leadership Assessment Questions: Do your leaders display an attitude of learning when corrected or confronted by those of less privilege? Why or why not? (If not, why do they deserve to be in leadership?)

Key Two: Wise Mind

In Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, the best decisions are made in wise mind—a combination of emotional and rational mind.

According to this framework, the best leaders genuinely care about all their constituents (emotional mind) while having the skills to effectively get the job done (rational mind).

During the Los Angeles City Council meeting on October 11, a concerned citizen quoted Dr. Cornel West:

“You can’t lead the people if you don’t love the people. You can’t save the people if you don’t serve the people.”

As a clinician helping marginalized leaders and high achievers heal from unhealthy work environments, I remind my therapy clients that the worst work environments lack both humanity (emotional mind) and logic (rational mind). The leaked audio revealed both cruelty to others and potentially illegal acts.

If a therapy client revealed to me that they were working in a position with cruel and ethically questionable leadership, I would be discussing the pros and cons of leaving, the negative mental health impacts of staying, and harm reduction/self-care strategies if they choose to stay.

Leadership Assessment Questions: Do your leaders demonstrate the use of wise mind? Why or why not?

Key Three: Identifying Covert Narcissism

As I wrote in a previous blog post,

Narcissists, psychopaths, and other highly toxic personalities are of all colors, sexes, shapes, sizes, ability levels, ages, and sexual orientations.

Covert narcissists are harder to recognize due to their humble mask and appearance. They gravitate towards fields like health care, public service, and nonprofit work. They appear saintly but are only out for themselves.

I’m not stating that the four people heard on the leaked audio are narcissists—but they displayed the narcissistic traits of entitlement, interpersonal exploitation, and lack of empathy.

Dr. Karyl McBride, an expert on healing narcissistic abuse survivors, states that it only takes one narcissistic trait to ruin a relationship. Similarly, it takes one narcissistic action to taint the integrity of a leader.

Although narcissistic traits are not always indicative of pure narcissism, it is important that leaders be aware of situations where they might display these traits—and do the personal work to make sure they do not harm others. An unwillingness to do this work displays a lack of cultural humility, a lack of wise mind, and a lack of fitness for any leadership or managerial position that involves caring for human beings.

We don’t need more people in power only out for themselves.

Leadership Assessment Questions: What narcissistic traits have your leaders displayed? Do they demonstrate any effort to keep these traits under control—or do they flaunt them?

Leadership Roundtable

On October 21, 2022 at 10 am PST, I will be holding my inaugural Leadership Roundtable on the topic “3 Keys to Leading Diverse Communities.”

Leadership Roundtable is for you if:

You are a manager or high achiever of a marginalized (or multiply marginalized) identity looking for an expert to affirm your experiences.
You are a manager or high achiever who wants to support your marginalized—and multiply marginalized—employees and colleagues.
You/your organization are committed to Diversity, Equity and Inclusion efforts that help level the playing field. (Period.)

You must be a member of my mailing list to receive an invitation. Join below:

Disclaimer:This blog does not replace in-depth, individualized help from a health professional or provide any diagnosis or treatment. By reading, you understand this statement and commit to seeking psychotherapy or medication support if needed. You also understand that Mari Verano, LLC will not be able to intervene in a crisis or court situation. Please seek your own legal and/or crisis resources.

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Exhausted Latina working late at her desk.

August 30 2022

A Therapist’s Hot Take on “Quiet Quitting”

Therapists on Leadership leadership questions, quiet quitting

Reading Time: 3 minutes

I heard this phrase while watching the news recently and literally yelled at the television, “That’s work-life balance!”

As a therapist helping high achievers and busy professionals manage stress, I support every employee who has decided not to do any extra work for their employer for one of the following reasons:

-They are not getting compensation—of any kind—for these duties. This article is not meant to shame organizations starting out on a budget, or nonprofits who can’t afford to pay their employees higher salaries. Compensation can be a flexible schedule, leaving early with no penalty, lunch, or a gift card.

For professionals of marginalized identities, it is even more important to set work boundaries due to institutional discrimination.

“[A]lmost 90% of the Fortune 500 CEOs are white males,” writes Richard L. Zweigenhaft of Guilford College, ”who continue to be the dominant group in the corporate elite — they held 96.4% of the Fortune 500 CEO positions in 2000, and they held 85.8% in 2020.” Zweigenhaft continues, “[S]ince most of the seats lost by white men were lost to white women, and white women make up 6.8% of those who are now CEOs, whites still make up 92.6% of the Fortune 500 CEOs.”

If you know you’re playing a losing game against more privileged people, knowing that the white person related to the boss is going to get the promotion no matter what, it is smart and strategic to do the bare minimum.

It is an act of self-protection to think of your job as just a paycheck instead of tying a promotion—or more responsibility—to your self-worth.

“Quiet Quitting” preserves positive mental health in a marginalized identity.

Leadership Question: How are you motivating and affirming your employees of marginalized identities?

-The extra work doesn’t advance their career. One of the principles of Dialectical Behavioral Therapy, a mode that I use in therapy sessions, is effectiveness. Effectiveness asks, “Is what I’m doing working?” A focused, goal-oriented person who has clarified their career objectives will stop doing busy work that does not meet their objectives. To call this “quiet quitting” shames those who have decided to work smarter, not harder.

Leadership Question: Have you asked your employees about what motivates them about their work? If so, how can you bridge their natural motivation to tasks needing to be done?

-The extra work is not congruent with their goals and values. This often happens when an employer engages in “bait and switch.” Here are some examples of what this looks like:

-An employee being told one job description in an interview when the real-life job turns out to be completely different.

-An employee being hired for one department, and then being transferred elsewhere even though their skills and interests don’t match their new department. (The employer doesn’t care. After all, a worker is a worker and a body is a body, right?)

-A manager getting to know a team in one department, and being abruptly switched to a team in another department with little to no warning.

Put a talented person who is conscious of their strengths and weaknesses in one of the above scenarios, and they will quietly quit under the best circumstances. Work that is congruent with goals and values—work that gives people a sense of agency—is fulfilling and motivating.

Work that is incongruent with goals and values, that disempowers the individual, drives talented and focused staff out of an organization.

If your organization’s leadership engages in bait-and-switch as a management (or recruitment!) technique, hope and pray that your employees “quietly quit” and don’t leave.

Leadership Question: Have you noticed “quiet quitting” in any of the aforementioned situations?

-They have not been given the proper structure to do work aside from their core job description. Outdated equipment, lack of training, lack of an onboarding process, and an inconsistent internet connection belong under this category.

Leadership Question: Do your employees have the resources to excel at their jobs? If not, how can you give them more support?

-They’re not interested in the extra work. If you are leading or managing people, it is your duty to either motivate others to do extra work that needs to be done—or find people motivated enough to do it.

Leadership Question: What are the tasks that no one wants to do? Who might be most motivated—inside or outside your organization—to complete them?

–Their humanity is not being respected. It’s a sign of healthy self-esteem to stop doing extra work for an employer that does not respect you. If you know you’re going to be fired for asking for a raise (that more privileged people in your organization already have), time off due to a chronic illness, or because you’re about to have a baby, “quiet quitting” equals survival.

Leadership Question: Am I creating a workplace where people feel respected? Why/why not?

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June 26 2022

Roe V. Wade Overturned: Effects on Mental Health and The Workplace

Therapists on Leadership leadership questions, roe vs wade

Reading Time: 5 minutes
Reading Time with Action Items: 45 minutes

The decision on June 24, 2022 to overturn Roe v. Wade in the United States will not make abortion go away. It will make abortion more inaccessible, particularly for the most marginalized members of society.

This blog post will detail the effects of this decision on mental health and the workplace, and provide action items if your company is wondering how to respond to this decision.

You’re probably thinking, “Mari, why are you getting political? This is supposed to be a leadership blog.”

True leaders acknowledge reality and are not afraid to have hard conversations about how politics affects people’s lives. You have to care about how politics affects people if you are to effectively lead them.

Furthermore, truly civil conversations are impossible when a co-worker—or an entire organization–believes that certain groups of people deserve less rights simply based upon their anatomy. It’s one thing to disagree—it’s another thing to say, “You have to do what I do.”

If you have been conditioned to ignore politics, ask yourself why.

1. Mental Health Impact

The American Psychological Association, the American Psychiatric Association and the National Association of Social Workers issued a joint statement on June 24, 2022 saying the following:

“[Abortion] is a very personal decision and will lead to adverse mental health consequences for people seeking to exercise bodily autonomy in making critical decisions related to their own reproductive health. Decades of scientific research have shown that people who are denied abortions are more likely to experience higher levels of anxiety, lower life satisfaction and lower self-esteem compared with those who are able to obtain abortion services.

Research also demonstrates a strong relationship between unwanted pregnancy and interpersonal violence. Specifically, the research suggests that the inability to obtain an abortion increases the risk for domestic abuse among those who are forced to stay in contact with violent partners, putting them and their children at risk.

The impacts of this decision will fall hardest on people who already face discriminatory obstacles to health care—particularly Black, Indigenous, and other people of color, people with disabilities, people in rural areas, young people, undocumented people, and those having difficulty making ends meet.”

As a therapist working with survivors of domestic violence, this Supreme Court decision has potentially deadly consequences for survivors attempting to leave abusive relationships. It is important that companies who employ women, non-binary individuals and transgender men be aware of this new reality and provide access to mental and physical health resources that can help keep their workers safe.

LEADERSHIP QUESTION:

(10 minutes)

How might your company expand access to resources to help keep vulnerable workers safe?

2. Workplace Impact

If your company is reluctant to discuss social issues out of fear of backlash, your silence may be repelling top talent.

In their Tara Health Report, PerryUndem “conducted a national survey of…3,464 college—educated adults ages 18 to 64 employed full time in the workforce or looking for full-time work” (p.6). They found that:

“1. Two-thirds (68%) of top talent say it’s important to them that their company takes a stand on social issues.

2. Half of top talent (51%) says they’d consider leaving their current job for an employer who has a stronger viewpoint on social issues.” (p.8)

Furthermore, “…a large majority of top talent supports abortion rights and access…[and] consider abortion access an important part of women’s rights and gender equity (80%)” (p. 13)

Ultimately, it is your company values and mission statement that decide how you should respond—or not respond—in this situation. If you feel uncomfortable looking at your values and mission statement, it might be time to either change or upgrade them to reflect where your company stands now.

Fear of Backlash is Not a Value

If you fear backlash, that indicates to me one (or more) of the following issues:

Your company values are not on a strong foundation.
Your company has wandered away from their core values.
Your company has not strongly defined their core values.
You have not made an action plan for potential backlash.

Stating—or not stating—your values means stating your company’s boundaries.

When you state your company’s values, you tell the world, “These are the things I find acceptable, and these are the things I will not tolerate.” Some people are not going to like this.

When my therapy clients fear that others won’t like their boundaries, I ask them, “What is more important than being liked?”

Similarly, as a company leader, you need to define what is more important to you than the potential backlash you might face. What is more important than potential backlash?

Here are some things that might be more important:

-Your legacy as a leader.

-Human rights.

-The safety of your female, non-binary, and trans male employees.

-Drawing top talent to your organization.

-Making sure that top talent doesn’t leave.

Whatever it is, you need to clearly define this before you take a stand–or decide to not take a stand.

LEADERSHIP QUESTIONS:

(30 minutes)

Based on my company’s values and mission statement, how might I respond to the situation?
Do my company values and/or mission statement need to change? Why or why not?
What is more important than potentially facing backlash?
What is my company’s plan if we do face backlash?

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May 24 2022

The Dark Side of “Thoughts and Prayers”

Therapists on Leadership leadership questions, mass shootings

TW: Mass shootings.

Reading Time: 5 minutes
Reading Time with Exercises: 35 minutes

As a licensed therapist, I am deeply concerned about the mass shootings that continue in the United States and the negative mental health outcomes that arise from living in such an environment.

When these incidents happen, we repeatedly hear the narrative of “thoughts and prayers” from those in power.

How many times have we seen leaders talk about their good intentions without seeing common-sense action to prevent further harm?

Here are the dark sides to “thoughts and prayers.”

They are used to manipulate.

Repeated “thoughts and prayers” with no effort towards action is a sign that you may be dealing with a covert narcissist–someone whose ego is fed by appearing to have good intentions for other people, but is only looking out for themselves.

You might hear someone say:

I’ll pray for you.
I’m thinking good thoughts for you.
I really care.
I value your contribution to the team.

Someone who says all of the above may not be:

Advocating for you.
Following through on your carefully considered feedback.
Creating an environment where it’s safe for you to work.

I hear similar things from high achieving clients in unhealthy work environments. (These are composites from several client scenarios, not actual quotes from clients.)

“They say they appreciate me, Mari, but I haven’t gotten a raise in years. I didn’t even get my birthday acknowledged.”
“They talk about how dedicated we are to the mission. But we can’t eat ‘the mission’. We don’t even pay at competitive nonprofit rates! Meanwhile, I heard the CEO just gave herself another raise. Mission, my ass.”
“My boss talks about work-life balance all the time, but because of my caseload, I haven’t seen my kids in three weeks and I haven’t had a vacation in six months. My nanny tells me that my daughter cries for me to come home and it breaks my heart.”

If you learned manipulation, it’s very easy to unconsciously repeat this in a leadership role. If you grew up with a manipulative parent or survived a manipulative romantic relationship, you may have learned to manipulate and say the right things to survive. This is not your fault, but it’s absolutely up to you to acknowledge this pattern and work to change it.

Leadership Question:

(15 minutes)

What are the ways I learned to manipulate?

How can I become more aware of these ways?

They are an excuse for inaction.

I’m not saying that spiritual people–those who send out happy thoughts and prayers to the universe or the divine–are inherently ineffective. That would be unfair, prejudiced, and hypocritical, as I’m spiritual myself.

However, thoughts and prayers become futile when they are not coupled with advocacy, action, legislation, boycotts, and voting.

It’s one thing to pray for the poor—it’s another thing to feed the poor. Thoughts and prayers are the seeds to action,but they are not equivalent to action itself.

As a therapist, I hear daily that people would like better mental health, better relationships, to stop worrying so much, but this ultimately takes hard work. I’m paid to point my clients in the right direction for an hour a week, but what’s done for the other 167 hours is up to them.

Leadership Question:

(5 minutes)

Would I rather be known as a person with good intentions or a person who takes concrete action? Why?

They are not a true apology.

Working with many leaders of marginalized identities, I say this all day as a therapist:

The only apology that we should accept from others is changed behavior–or the effort towards changed behavior.

(This is especially important if you are in a marginalized identity because you have learned to tolerate a lot of cruelty, marginalization, and disrespect in order to achieve your status, income, or title. I have not worked with a single high achiever of a marginalized identity–whether BIPOC, female, LGBTQIA+, fat, neurodivergent or disabled–who has not encountered heaps of bullshit and ignorance to get to where they are. This includes you. I see you.)

Thoughts and prayers are neither a movement towards behavior change or behavior change itself. At worst, they say, “Behavior doesn’t matter as long as we’re thinking happy thoughts.”

Hear how ridiculous that sounds? It’s also disrespectful to the memories of those who were lost to senseless gun violence.

The only apologies the grieving families in Uvalde, Buffalo, Columbine (and, sadly, too many other places to mention) should be getting from authority figures are efforts to make sure that this never happens again, to any other family, to any other school, to any other child, to any other community.

Leadership Questions:

(10 minutes)

What are times I made empty apologies in my life, and why? When have I received empty apologies? How did I know that they were empty?

For better or for worse, times of crisis are times when leaders are made.

Take good care of yourselves. Give yourself time to grieve. Know that I am here to support you.

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May 15 2022

Why You Should Listen To A Therapist On Leadership

Therapists on Leadership leadership exercises, leadership questions, SINCERE

Reading Time: 5 minutes
Reading Time with Exercises: 55 minutes

My name is Mari Verano, MA, LMFT. I’m a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in California with a certificate in Neuroscience for Clinical Practice and over twelve years of clinical experience. I have a thriving therapy practice where clients wait years to specifically work with me.

This is why you should listen to me when I talk about leadership.

I’m experienced in diagnosing an issue, the scope of the issue, and assessing the potential impact on a client’s life.

It is my job to give a correct diagnosis, intervene to reduce the symptoms of that diagnosis, and help keep clients (and the public) safe when symptoms spike to dangerous levels.

Similarly, effective leaders face reality. One of the top reasons why people quit their jobs is because they don’t like their supervisor, and many people don’t like their supervisor due to bad management—including their boss’s failure to acknowledge serious issues that everyone else can see.

Unhappy Employee: “They just let this person do whatever they wanted because this was their son. That spoiled little brat did whatever the hell they wanted and drove people who were actually doing their jobs out of here. Now I’m stuck doing whatever Daddy’s Little Boy wants although he doesn’t do shit.”

Happy Employee: “The CEO made it very clear that although his son worked for him, he got no special treatment. As a matter of fact, when his son showed up drunk to work, he immediately fired him. I happened to overhear him say he was sent to rehab. I respect that he followed through on what he promised.”

LEADERSHIP QUESTION:

(10 minutes)

What is one thing that you are not fully facing at work or in your personal life?

What are the implications if you don’t fully face this?

If the problem is out of my scope, I refer out or get help as soon as possible.

I am ethically bound to refer a client out to a provider with more expertise if the client is out of my scope of practice. (If I know I can’t help someone, I can’t fake it because this could be a life or death decision.)

Similarly, effective leaders hire consultants, read books, or meet with their colleagues if they encounter a problem they feel like they can’t handle alone.

Unhappy Employee: “My white, male boss pretended he knew everything. He didn’t consult the marketing specialist on our team–actually, he talked down to her because she was a Black woman. If we had listened to her, we wouldn’t have lost that much revenue this quarter. She was right, he was wrong, and he has too much ego to admit it.”

Happy Employee: “He was the best boss I ever had because he always hired people who were smarter than him in his areas of weakness, and he knew how to delegate.”

LEADERSHIP EXERCISE:

(10 minutes)

Name one area where you’d like to grow your expertise. Identify a resource that can help you (a book, podcast, mentor) and commit to learning from this resource five minutes a day.

I teach others how to lead themselves.

It is my job to make myself obsolete. I cannot ethically continue working with a client when a client no longer benefits from my expertise. At that point, I put together a plan to end therapy, remind the client of the skills that they learned, and wish them well on their journey—or refer them out to someone who has more expertise.

Similarly, effective leaders teach teams their leadership skills, are not threatened by the growth of their team members, and are humbly aware that one day, their team members might outgrow them.

Unhappy Employee: “When the boss was gone for a week due to an emergency, everything fell apart. It was clear that she hadn’t taught the team her procedures and protocols–hell, an e-mail with a few instructions would have done wonders. We were like rats on a sinking ship.”

Happy Employee: “When the boss was gone for a week due to an emergency, we knew exactly where policies, procedures, and protocols were to keep the company running.”

LEADERSHIP QUESTION:

(10 minutes)

What are some things you can do to help your team develop their skills?

I am trained to be truthful, but compassionate.

I’m trained to tell my clients the truth, but not in a way that’s abusive or accusatory. I strive to treat my clients with compassion and have compassion for their unique identities while also bringing unhealthy behaviors to their attention.

Similarly, effective leaders know how to have the hard conversations with someone while keeping the focus on performance. They know when to be more “hard ass” and when to be softer. They are not 100% “hard ass” nor 100% permissive. They know when to switch gears.

Unhappy Employee: ”When the boss was unhappy with how someone on our team performed, we knew because we could hear the yelling from down the hall. I started to think, ‘No salary is worth my mental health.’ I was out of there within six months.”

Happy Employee: “My boss always tells me exactly what I did wrong, specific steps to improve, and how she can help me.”

LEADERSHIP QUESTION:

(10 minutes)

How can you give difficult feedback with compassion?

5. I am ethically obligated to act if I suspect danger.

In California, licensed therapists are mandated reporters, which means that I am ethically bound to report suspected child or elder abuse.

Similarly, successful leaders know the “red flags” of employees committing unethical or illegal acts. They address these red flags as quickly and safely as possible.

Unhappy Employee: “I had warned my manager that this person was working under false credentials. I had called up the graduate school they had supposedly attended and there was no record of them. My manager brushed the matter under the rug until she found out this person was committing fraud. Sorry, but that was too little, too late. I’d already started looking for another position.”

Happy Employee: “My boss found out that the ‘star salesman’ had been stealing from under her nose for over a year. He was let go soon afterward. Everyone was shocked because this person was so charming and well-liked; however, my boss made it clear she has zero tolerance for anyone who steals from the company. We all walked away with a newfound respect for her.”

LEADERSHIP QUESTION:

(10 minutes)

What are some employee “red flags” that must be immediately addressed?

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