Therapists on Leadership

Therapists on Leadership

October 14 2022

3 Keys to Leading Diverse Communities

Therapists on Leadership leadership questions, narcissism

Communities around the world have been stunned, outraged, and angered by the anti-Black, anti-immigrant, and anti-Indigenous statements made on a leaked audio by three Latinx Los Angeles City Council Members and the President of the Los Angeles County Federation of Labor.

As a therapist helping BIPOC, LGBTQIA+, immigrant, and other marginalized communities heal from institutional trauma (and as a queer child of immigrants myself) I am in solidarity with the communities who have been negatively impacted by this incident.

Furthermore, this article presents three keys to leadership that can reduce the likelihood of similar incidents in the future.

Politics can mean the difference between life and death for marginalized and deliberately unheard communities. When public officials dehumanize the communities they were elected to serve, the well-being of those communities is in danger.

It’s important that voters choose wisely and know the signs of a leader who truly advocates for them.

Key One: Cultural Humility

The solution is not about getting more education.

Four individuals with college degrees—who knew better—chose to gleefully dehumanize their constituents in a blatant power grab. We have seen other incidents where highly educated individuals have put Black and Brown people in danger to exert power under white supremacy.

Electing leaders with cultural humility can minimize the chance of these scandals from happening in the first place.

Culturally humble leaders are aware that they don’t know everything, that they will make mistakes even if they have the best intentions, and commit to continuous learning from their mistakes so that marginalized people do not face further harm.

Culturally humble leaders put their egos aside for the causes of justice and service to all humanity—not just service to themselves and those who share their identity.

As Los Angeles City Council Member Mike Bonin said in his statement to the public days after hearing the racist attacks on his son:

“As the white father of a black child, you stumble, and you fuck up, and you try to do your best to be a parent and an ally. I get it wrong a lot. I get it right sometimes. I knew that I did not want this story about virulent anti-Black racism to be centered upon an angry white dad…I know that I can never really know, or comprehend, or feel, the weight of the daily, relentless anti-Black racism that my son is gonna face. But man…I know the fire that you feel when someone tries to destroy Black Boy Joy.”

Bonin’s statement exemplifies cultural humility. As a clinician who helped shape and evaluate professional training for the Center for Adoption Support and Education, I am confident that he and his husband are raising their son to be proud of his Black identity. The dehumanization of Bonin and his family is even more heartbreaking knowing that clinically, he has the compassionate approach recommended for white parents who want to raise a happy, healthy adopted Black child.

Leadership Assessment Questions: Do your leaders display an attitude of learning when corrected or confronted by those of less privilege? Why or why not? (If not, why do they deserve to be in leadership?)

Key Two: Wise Mind

In Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, the best decisions are made in wise mind—a combination of emotional and rational mind.

According to this framework, the best leaders genuinely care about all their constituents (emotional mind) while having the skills to effectively get the job done (rational mind).

During the Los Angeles City Council meeting on October 11, a concerned citizen quoted Dr. Cornel West:

“You can’t lead the people if you don’t love the people. You can’t save the people if you don’t serve the people.”

As a clinician helping marginalized leaders and high achievers heal from unhealthy work environments, I remind my therapy clients that the worst work environments lack both humanity (emotional mind) and logic (rational mind). The leaked audio revealed both cruelty to others and potentially illegal acts.

If a therapy client revealed to me that they were working in a position with cruel and ethically questionable leadership, I would be discussing the pros and cons of leaving, the negative mental health impacts of staying, and harm reduction/self-care strategies if they choose to stay.

Leadership Assessment Questions: Do your leaders demonstrate the use of wise mind? Why or why not?

Key Three: Identifying Covert Narcissism

As I wrote in a previous blog post,

Narcissists, psychopaths, and other highly toxic personalities are of all colors, sexes, shapes, sizes, ability levels, ages, and sexual orientations.

Covert narcissists are harder to recognize due to their humble mask and appearance. They gravitate towards fields like health care, public service, and nonprofit work. They appear saintly but are only out for themselves.

I’m not stating that the four people heard on the leaked audio are narcissists—but they displayed the narcissistic traits of entitlement, interpersonal exploitation, and lack of empathy.

Dr. Karyl McBride, an expert on healing narcissistic abuse survivors, states that it only takes one narcissistic trait to ruin a relationship. Similarly, it takes one narcissistic action to taint the integrity of a leader.

Although narcissistic traits are not always indicative of pure narcissism, it is important that leaders be aware of situations where they might display these traits—and do the personal work to make sure they do not harm others. An unwillingness to do this work displays a lack of cultural humility, a lack of wise mind, and a lack of fitness for any leadership or managerial position that involves caring for human beings.

We don’t need more people in power only out for themselves.

Leadership Assessment Questions: What narcissistic traits have your leaders displayed? Do they demonstrate any effort to keep these traits under control—or do they flaunt them?

Leadership Roundtable

On October 21, 2022 at 10 am PST, I will be holding my inaugural Leadership Roundtable on the topic “3 Keys to Leading Diverse Communities.”

Leadership Roundtable is for you if:

You are a manager or high achiever of a marginalized (or multiply marginalized) identity looking for an expert to affirm your experiences.
You are a manager or high achiever who wants to support your marginalized—and multiply marginalized—employees and colleagues.
You/your organization are committed to Diversity, Equity and Inclusion efforts that help level the playing field. (Period.)

You must be a member of my mailing list to receive an invitation. Join below:

Disclaimer:This blog does not replace in-depth, individualized help from a health professional or provide any diagnosis or treatment. By reading, you understand this statement and commit to seeking psychotherapy or medication support if needed. You also understand that Mari Verano, LLC will not be able to intervene in a crisis or court situation. Please seek your own legal and/or crisis resources.

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Exhausted Latina working late at her desk.

August 30 2022

A Therapist’s Hot Take on “Quiet Quitting”

Therapists on Leadership leadership questions, quiet quitting

Reading Time: 3 minutes

I heard this phrase while watching the news recently and literally yelled at the television, “That’s work-life balance!”

As a therapist helping high achievers and busy professionals manage stress, I support every employee who has decided not to do any extra work for their employer for one of the following reasons:

-They are not getting compensation—of any kind—for these duties. This article is not meant to shame organizations starting out on a budget, or nonprofits who can’t afford to pay their employees higher salaries. Compensation can be a flexible schedule, leaving early with no penalty, lunch, or a gift card.

For professionals of marginalized identities, it is even more important to set work boundaries due to institutional discrimination.

“[A]lmost 90% of the Fortune 500 CEOs are white males,” writes Richard L. Zweigenhaft of Guilford College, ”who continue to be the dominant group in the corporate elite — they held 96.4% of the Fortune 500 CEO positions in 2000, and they held 85.8% in 2020.” Zweigenhaft continues, “[S]ince most of the seats lost by white men were lost to white women, and white women make up 6.8% of those who are now CEOs, whites still make up 92.6% of the Fortune 500 CEOs.”

If you know you’re playing a losing game against more privileged people, knowing that the white person related to the boss is going to get the promotion no matter what, it is smart and strategic to do the bare minimum.

It is an act of self-protection to think of your job as just a paycheck instead of tying a promotion—or more responsibility—to your self-worth.

“Quiet Quitting” preserves positive mental health in a marginalized identity.

Leadership Question: How are you motivating and affirming your employees of marginalized identities?

-The extra work doesn’t advance their career. One of the principles of Dialectical Behavioral Therapy, a mode that I use in therapy sessions, is effectiveness. Effectiveness asks, “Is what I’m doing working?” A focused, goal-oriented person who has clarified their career objectives will stop doing busy work that does not meet their objectives. To call this “quiet quitting” shames those who have decided to work smarter, not harder.

Leadership Question: Have you asked your employees about what motivates them about their work? If so, how can you bridge their natural motivation to tasks needing to be done?

-The extra work is not congruent with their goals and values. This often happens when an employer engages in “bait and switch.” Here are some examples of what this looks like:

-An employee being told one job description in an interview when the real-life job turns out to be completely different.

-An employee being hired for one department, and then being transferred elsewhere even though their skills and interests don’t match their new department. (The employer doesn’t care. After all, a worker is a worker and a body is a body, right?)

-A manager getting to know a team in one department, and being abruptly switched to a team in another department with little to no warning.

Put a talented person who is conscious of their strengths and weaknesses in one of the above scenarios, and they will quietly quit under the best circumstances. Work that is congruent with goals and values—work that gives people a sense of agency—is fulfilling and motivating.

Work that is incongruent with goals and values, that disempowers the individual, drives talented and focused staff out of an organization.

If your organization’s leadership engages in bait-and-switch as a management (or recruitment!) technique, hope and pray that your employees “quietly quit” and don’t leave.

Leadership Question: Have you noticed “quiet quitting” in any of the aforementioned situations?

-They have not been given the proper structure to do work aside from their core job description. Outdated equipment, lack of training, lack of an onboarding process, and an inconsistent internet connection belong under this category.

Leadership Question: Do your employees have the resources to excel at their jobs? If not, how can you give them more support?

-They’re not interested in the extra work. If you are leading or managing people, it is your duty to either motivate others to do extra work that needs to be done—or find people motivated enough to do it.

Leadership Question: What are the tasks that no one wants to do? Who might be most motivated—inside or outside your organization—to complete them?

–Their humanity is not being respected. It’s a sign of healthy self-esteem to stop doing extra work for an employer that does not respect you. If you know you’re going to be fired for asking for a raise (that more privileged people in your organization already have), time off due to a chronic illness, or because you’re about to have a baby, “quiet quitting” equals survival.

Leadership Question: Am I creating a workplace where people feel respected? Why/why not?

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White boss hiring young Black person and shaking hands.

August 26 2022

3 DEI Mistakes Your Company Is Making

Therapists on Leadership DEI

Reading Time: 3 minutes

After the brutal murder of George Floyd in 2020, many organizations and individuals could no longer ignore the reality of racism.

Organizations–both for-profit and nonprofit–across all fields began forming Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion committees. Sadly (but not surprisingly) many of these committees were woefully unprepared to address these issues, and caused harm that has not yet been acknowledged and accounted for.

As a licensed therapist, I frequently hear about how clients are hurt and frustrated by those who promise one thing and then do another.

Here are three DEI mistakes your company is probably making.

1. Tolerating behavior that works to take away the rights of others.

If the aim of your DEI committee is to foster diversity, equity, and inclusion, make it crystal clear that actions that work to take away the rights of marginalized people are not aligned with the values of your organization.

You need to be transparent that if any of your staff engage in these actions, the DEI committee will actively seek to educate them about the harm done—as well as offer opportunities for repair.

As I wrote in my blog post about Roe vs. Wade:

It’s one thing to disagree—it’s another thing to say, “You have to do what I do.”

In my therapy practice, I work with clients who have family members who voted to take away their rights—but cherish the relationship and do not want to cut it off.

This is what I tell these clients:

Pick your battles.
Hold them accountable.
Take care of yourself while taking care of them.
Set boundaries.
Recognize the limitations of your engagement.

If you manage or lead valuable team members aligned with oppressive ideologies or public figures, this five-point framework is useful for addressing bigoted behavior with compassion.

Ultimately—you cannot tolerate ignorance in your organization. If you do so, you are actively undermining the initiatives of diversity, equity, inclusion, and belonging. The best strategy here is education.

2. Not doing work that levels the playing field.

Having a Diversity, Equity and Inclusion committee that does not actively work to level the playing field for marginalized individuals is an act of institutional gaslighting.

Gaslighting is when an individual (or organization) engages in actions that cause someone to question their reality, sanity, or competence.

In my therapy practice, I work with individuals who have been gaslit by friends or family–as well as workplace leadership that claims to care about DEI, but whose actions show otherwise.

Here are some examples of institutional gaslighting (these are composites, not actual quotes from therapy clients):

-Advertising doesn’t match the true diversity makeup of the company.

“I came to this company due to the diversity in their marketing. I get hired… and I’m literally the only Black person in the office. I swear I get dirty looks every day. I’m not crazy, right?”

-Advertising doesn’t match the true values of company leadership.

“I’m a lesbian and I took a job with this company because I was so impressed by their catalog showing different types of families. Then I find out that the CEO is a member of an organization that campaigned against my right to marry. Fuck this guy! I feel dirty that I gave so many hours to them and told people so many great things about what it was like to work here.”

-No marginalized (or multiply marginalized) individuals in upper management.

If you want to see an organization’s true platform on Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion, look at pictures of their leadership team.

Don’t buy the excuse that they can’t find the talent to fill those roles. Even predominantly white colleges that are a couple hundred years old produce brilliant BIPOC talent every damn year. What they’re really saying is this:

“We didn’t want to recruit at a school that had a bunch of [insert BIPOC/disabled/LGBTQIA+/women]… that would have been too scary and questioned the status quo too much.”

(There–you can use the time you would have used interviewing for that potential company and go to the beach, spa, or anywhere that can help you feel less angry.)

Malcolm X summed up institutional gaslighting in one quote:

“The white man will try to satisfy us with symbolic victories rather than economic equity and real justice.”

In summary–be careful of appearances not matching reality.

3. Failure to identify the signs of toxic behavior.

Narcissists, psychopaths, and other highly toxic personalities are of all colors, sexes, shapes, sizes, ability levels, ages, and sexual orientations. Unless your leadership is confident in identifying the signs of disordered individuals—as well as signs that your employees may be being abused—your DEI initiatives will lack credibility.

Unless your leadership can confidently use this knowledge, your organization will make the repeated mistake of automatically believing that in a conflict, the person with the most marginalized identity is always right, and the person of the most privileged identity is always wrong.

The person with the most marginalized identity is not always right. Around issues of diversity and inclusion, the most marginalized person is probably right due to their lived experience. However, if someone is being accused of creating a hostile or toxic workplace, it is best to find out the specific facts of the situation and check them against your behavioral knowledge. Is this person truly showing signs of narcissism, psychopathy, untreated addiction, or untreated trauma–or is this person being labeled as “difficult” because more privileged people don’t want them to be in leadership? Accusations like this are an example of what Dr. Koritha Mitchell calls “know-your-place aggression.”

Get DEI Right the First Time.

Work With Me.

I know you’re a leader who cares deeply about these issues—or else you wouldn’t be reading this blog.

I will be holding a VIP day on October, 8 2022 where ten people will learn how to avoid mistakes that drive top, diverse talent out of your organization—and get DEI right the first time.

You must be part of my mailing list to receive an invitation. Join below:

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June 26 2022

Roe V. Wade Overturned: Effects on Mental Health and The Workplace

Therapists on Leadership leadership questions, roe vs wade

Reading Time: 5 minutes
Reading Time with Action Items: 45 minutes

The decision on June 24, 2022 to overturn Roe v. Wade in the United States will not make abortion go away. It will make abortion more inaccessible, particularly for the most marginalized members of society.

This blog post will detail the effects of this decision on mental health and the workplace, and provide action items if your company is wondering how to respond to this decision.

You’re probably thinking, “Mari, why are you getting political? This is supposed to be a leadership blog.”

True leaders acknowledge reality and are not afraid to have hard conversations about how politics affects people’s lives. You have to care about how politics affects people if you are to effectively lead them.

Furthermore, truly civil conversations are impossible when a co-worker—or an entire organization–believes that certain groups of people deserve less rights simply based upon their anatomy. It’s one thing to disagree—it’s another thing to say, “You have to do what I do.”

If you have been conditioned to ignore politics, ask yourself why.

1. Mental Health Impact

The American Psychological Association, the American Psychiatric Association and the National Association of Social Workers issued a joint statement on June 24, 2022 saying the following:

“[Abortion] is a very personal decision and will lead to adverse mental health consequences for people seeking to exercise bodily autonomy in making critical decisions related to their own reproductive health. Decades of scientific research have shown that people who are denied abortions are more likely to experience higher levels of anxiety, lower life satisfaction and lower self-esteem compared with those who are able to obtain abortion services.

Research also demonstrates a strong relationship between unwanted pregnancy and interpersonal violence. Specifically, the research suggests that the inability to obtain an abortion increases the risk for domestic abuse among those who are forced to stay in contact with violent partners, putting them and their children at risk.

The impacts of this decision will fall hardest on people who already face discriminatory obstacles to health care—particularly Black, Indigenous, and other people of color, people with disabilities, people in rural areas, young people, undocumented people, and those having difficulty making ends meet.”

As a therapist working with survivors of domestic violence, this Supreme Court decision has potentially deadly consequences for survivors attempting to leave abusive relationships. It is important that companies who employ women, non-binary individuals and transgender men be aware of this new reality and provide access to mental and physical health resources that can help keep their workers safe.

LEADERSHIP QUESTION:

(10 minutes)

How might your company expand access to resources to help keep vulnerable workers safe?

2. Workplace Impact

If your company is reluctant to discuss social issues out of fear of backlash, your silence may be repelling top talent.

In their Tara Health Report, PerryUndem “conducted a national survey of…3,464 college—educated adults ages 18 to 64 employed full time in the workforce or looking for full-time work” (p.6). They found that:

“1. Two-thirds (68%) of top talent say it’s important to them that their company takes a stand on social issues.

2. Half of top talent (51%) says they’d consider leaving their current job for an employer who has a stronger viewpoint on social issues.” (p.8)

Furthermore, “…a large majority of top talent supports abortion rights and access…[and] consider abortion access an important part of women’s rights and gender equity (80%)” (p. 13)

Ultimately, it is your company values and mission statement that decide how you should respond—or not respond—in this situation. If you feel uncomfortable looking at your values and mission statement, it might be time to either change or upgrade them to reflect where your company stands now.

Fear of Backlash is Not a Value

If you fear backlash, that indicates to me one (or more) of the following issues:

Your company values are not on a strong foundation.
Your company has wandered away from their core values.
Your company has not strongly defined their core values.
You have not made an action plan for potential backlash.

Stating—or not stating—your values means stating your company’s boundaries.

When you state your company’s values, you tell the world, “These are the things I find acceptable, and these are the things I will not tolerate.” Some people are not going to like this.

When my therapy clients fear that others won’t like their boundaries, I ask them, “What is more important than being liked?”

Similarly, as a company leader, you need to define what is more important to you than the potential backlash you might face. What is more important than potential backlash?

Here are some things that might be more important:

-Your legacy as a leader.

-Human rights.

-The safety of your female, non-binary, and trans male employees.

-Drawing top talent to your organization.

-Making sure that top talent doesn’t leave.

Whatever it is, you need to clearly define this before you take a stand–or decide to not take a stand.

LEADERSHIP QUESTIONS:

(30 minutes)

Based on my company’s values and mission statement, how might I respond to the situation?
Do my company values and/or mission statement need to change? Why or why not?
What is more important than potentially facing backlash?
What is my company’s plan if we do face backlash?

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June 11 2022

How Boomers Can Effectively Lead Gen Z

Therapists on Leadership leadership exercises, multigenerational

Reading Time: 10 minutes
Reading Time with Exercises: 45 minutes

If you’re a Baby Boomer feeling frustrated and confused working with Gen Z employees, this article is for you.

I’m a licensed therapist who LOVES working with Gen Z clients–and my Gen Z clients talk about the amazing results I help them achieve as a therapist.

I’m also not as young as I look—I’m in my early forties and old enough to have literally birthed a Zoomer.

Here are three things you can do to effectively lead and manage your Gen Z employees.

1. Examine the messages you received about young people.

These not only come from how your specific generation was raised, but also come from your own parents, your own parenting if you have kids, and your own grandparenting if you have grandkids.

If you’re wondering, “Mari, what the heck do you mean? What is this psychobabble bullshit?”

Consider the difference between these two executives and their beliefs about youth:

**EXECUTIVE A:**

“I believe the children are our future
Teach them well and let them lead the way
Show them all the beauty they possess inside.”
– *Whitney Houston, “Greatest Love of All”*

“The duty of youth is to challenge corruption.” *– Kurt Cobain*

“The youth is the hope of our future.” *– Jose Rizal*

**EXECUTIVE B:**

“The world is passing through troublous times. The young people of today think of nothing but themselves. They have no reverence for parents or old age. They are impatient of all restraint. They talk as if they knew everything, and what passes for wisdom with us is foolishness with them.”
– *From a sermon preached by Peter the Hermit in A.D. 1274*

“The children now love luxury; they show disrespect for elders and love chatter in place of exercise. Children are tyrants, not servants of the households. They no longer rise when elders enter the room. They contradict their parents, chatter before company, gobble up dainties at the table, cross their legs, and tyrannize over their teachers.” – *Gijsbert van Hall, Mayor of Amsterdam, following a street demonstration in 1966*

“Children should be seen and not heard.” – *English proverb*

Leadership Exercise (10 minutes)

Which leader is most likely:

To be seen as a trusted mentor?
To be seen as “outdated” and “out of touch”?
To be open to the feedback of younger workers?
To see the feedback of younger workers as unnecessary complaints instead of constructive criticism?

Don’t judge yourself as you go through this. The point is this exercise is not to blame, but to help you become aware of the unconscious messages that may be influencing your leadership style.

If you grew up hearing negative messages about youth, this was not your fault. However, it is your responsibility to challenge these messages if they no longer serve you.

2. Reframe—or soften—the negative messages you received.

The point of this article is not to tell you, “Just think positive and all of your issues with Gen Z will go away!”

I do not engage in “love and light talk” to get your money so I can become the pet of some spoiled celebrity’s Instagram. As a licensed therapist, I am ethically bound to give you quality information that’s going to help you.

If you grew up with negative messages about youth, you probably don’t love managing your Gen Z employees. However, you can find ways to soften–or reframe– those negative messages to start building a different perspective about them.

Here are some examples of how to do this. (These are composites based on real client situations and are not direct quotes from clients.)

Reframing a Negative Message:

Client A: I hate myself.

Therapist: It sounds like in this particular situation, you’re really hard on yourself.

Client B: These little brats. Fuck teaching. I hate being a glorified babysitter.

Therapist: I hear you. It sounds like there are some things that need to change about how this school deals with difficult and demanding parents.

Client C: I think there might be something wrong with me because I have no idea what to say in this situation.

Therapist: So, this is a scenario you’ve never faced before.

Softening a Negative Message:

Client A: I hate myself.

Therapist: Would you say you really don’t like yourself when you get into these situations?

Client A: Yeah, that’s accurate.

Client B: I can’t do anything right.

Therapist: Would it be accurate to say that this particular skill is a growing edge for you, and management didn’t support you to succeed in this situation?

Client B: Totally, they just put this project on us and expected us to figure it out.

Client C: The world is shit and my life is shit.

Therapist: So, things seem pretty bleak right now and you don’t see a way out.

Client C: That’s right.

Leadership Questions (10 minutes):

Based on the examples above, how can you reframe or soften negative messages you received about Gen Z? How will these new messages help you connect with your Gen Z employees?

3. Choose the elder you wish to be.

Like it or not, you are an elder–and you now have the opportunity to choose the elder you wish to be based on your values.

You are beginning to face your own mortality and now have a chance to deepen the impact you wish to make on young people. In order for this to be a true, lasting, and sustainable impact, it must be based on your most important values.

If you value mentorship, you can dedicate the rest of your life to effectively mentoring young workers in your field.

If you value kindness, you can consciously bring kindness to all of your interactions with Gen Z workers even if you are feeling frustrated and angry with what they do.

If you value family, you can implement policies that allow Gen Z workers to feel safe and secure when starting, or taking care of, their own families.

If you’re not sure what your deepest values are, consider these questions:

Which values are you willing to go to jail for? Why?
Which values are you willing to die for? Why?
Imagine your Gen Z employees are at your funeral. They tell your surviving loved ones, “He/she/they were a person who valued _____” What’s in the blank?

Leadership Questions (15 minutes):

Answer one of the above questions.
How can your values help you become the elder you wish to be?

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June 1 2022

Signs You Are Working With a Narcissist

Therapists on Leadership narcissism, narcissistic abuse

Reading Time: 5 minutes
Reading Time with Exercises: 10 minutes

Today, June 1, is World Narcissistic Abuse Awareness Day.

As a licensed therapist, I have worked with many talented people who have been exposed to narcissistic abuse in the workplace, which has complex and long lasting effects, including–but not limited to–PTSD and anxiety disorders.

If you want to be an effective leader—whether you’re a CEO of a for-profit corporation or the leader of a small nonprofit that’s getting off the ground—it’s very important that you learn signs you may be working with a narcissist, and how to protect yourself and your employees.

Here are three signs you may be working with a narcissist–and tips on how to protect yourself and your team.

1. Baseless accusations and criticism that sound like they’re from a junior high bully.

Narcissists are notorious for giving crappy feedback with no basis in reality. (Many leaders of marginalized identities have been conditioned to take this feedback seriously, due to intergenerational trauma. Intergenerational trauma is not your fault, but it’s your job to be aware of how it might show up in your leadership style.)

Here are some examples of “junior high feedback”:

-I just don’t like the way you ran that meeting. (Followed by no specific suggestions as to how to make the meeting better).

-You’re difficult. (Again, no specific suggestions as to how to be “less difficult,” such as having less stringent deadlines or more clear communication.)

-You’re being racist/sexist/prejudiced/ableist/homophobic/etc. (Without suggestions as to how you could be less racist/sexist/prejudiced/ableist/homophobic/etc, or even, “Read this book/article as I’m marginalized and don’t have time for unpaid emotional labor.” You’re just being a bad person and you will always be a bad person!)

Self-Protection Leadership Tip:

Ask one or more of the following questions in return:

-“Can you give me evidence of that happening?”

-“Could you be more specific?”

-“I understand that I may not be able to see things from your perspective due to my privilege and I don’t expect unpaid emotional labor from you. Could you give me suggestions as to an article/book/expert/blog to read on this?”

Someone who is having a bad day will be able to give you answers to the above questions.

Someone who is a narcissist will look something like this:

Either that, or they’ll double down with more hostility, accuse you of being the difficult person, or drop the matter altogether. Either way, it’s good information, and good information will clarify how to better protect yourself and your team from narcissistic manipulation.

Team Protection Leadership Tip:

Make standards and expectations very clear to your team. Make it transparent that their performance depends on what you think and your feedback–not feedback the narcissist is giving them. Make it crystal clear that your team answers to you–not the narcissist.

2. Triangulation.

Narcissists are notorious for having selective hearing in the workplace–basically, they hear what they want to hear when it serves them and are notorious for “forgetting” requests and information.

Here are some examples of things that happen when you work with a narcissist:

“He said he would change the policy. However, when I mentioned it to him he had ‘forgotten’ we had that conversation at all and accused me of being difficult for mentioning it.”
“This person sent a rumor around that we were promoting an unsafe work environment when we literally had a safety expert come in the other day to talk to everyone! I just don’t understand what I’m doing wrong.”

Self and Team Protection Leadership Tips:

Read this article. (5 minutes)

3. Promoting their “pets” to leadership positions (whereas hard-working employees don’t get the recognition they deserve).

I use the word “pets” instead of “favorites”, because narcissistic bosses like employees who are less intelligent and capable than them, who are easily controlled and manipulated.

This is, frankly, worse than a situation where someone might be the “Teacher’s Pet” in school. The “Teacher’s Pet” earns that status because they work the hardest, show talent in a particular subject, ask the best questions, or are kindest to the teacher when the teacher is about to quit because the rest of their students have been disrespectful jerks. The narcissistic boss’s pet has done nothing to earn this status aside from being easily controllable. (Ouch.)

If you notice that you’re working with many talented people, but that the most incompetent of team members seem to be promoted, you may be working with a narcissist who is championing “human pets” who don’t threaten their ego.

Self-Protection Leadership Tip:

Remember that failing to get a promotion or title might have nothing to do with you. If you fail to be promoted over a narcissist’s “pet,” this is time to assess if this is the environment where you want to be working in the long run. Use this instance to motivate yourself to find another job, learn new skills, or make valued connections in your field.

Team Protection Leadership Tip:

To keep morale up in this environment, consider implementing your own ethical reward system for hard-working employees who don’t happen to be the narcissist’s “pets.”

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May 24 2022

The Dark Side of “Thoughts and Prayers”

Therapists on Leadership leadership questions, mass shootings

TW: Mass shootings.

Reading Time: 5 minutes
Reading Time with Exercises: 35 minutes

As a licensed therapist, I am deeply concerned about the mass shootings that continue in the United States and the negative mental health outcomes that arise from living in such an environment.

When these incidents happen, we repeatedly hear the narrative of “thoughts and prayers” from those in power.

How many times have we seen leaders talk about their good intentions without seeing common-sense action to prevent further harm?

Here are the dark sides to “thoughts and prayers.”

They are used to manipulate.

Repeated “thoughts and prayers” with no effort towards action is a sign that you may be dealing with a covert narcissist–someone whose ego is fed by appearing to have good intentions for other people, but is only looking out for themselves.

You might hear someone say:

I’ll pray for you.
I’m thinking good thoughts for you.
I really care.
I value your contribution to the team.

Someone who says all of the above may not be:

Advocating for you.
Following through on your carefully considered feedback.
Creating an environment where it’s safe for you to work.

I hear similar things from high achieving clients in unhealthy work environments. (These are composites from several client scenarios, not actual quotes from clients.)

“They say they appreciate me, Mari, but I haven’t gotten a raise in years. I didn’t even get my birthday acknowledged.”
“They talk about how dedicated we are to the mission. But we can’t eat ‘the mission’. We don’t even pay at competitive nonprofit rates! Meanwhile, I heard the CEO just gave herself another raise. Mission, my ass.”
“My boss talks about work-life balance all the time, but because of my caseload, I haven’t seen my kids in three weeks and I haven’t had a vacation in six months. My nanny tells me that my daughter cries for me to come home and it breaks my heart.”

If you learned manipulation, it’s very easy to unconsciously repeat this in a leadership role. If you grew up with a manipulative parent or survived a manipulative romantic relationship, you may have learned to manipulate and say the right things to survive. This is not your fault, but it’s absolutely up to you to acknowledge this pattern and work to change it.

Leadership Question:

(15 minutes)

What are the ways I learned to manipulate?

How can I become more aware of these ways?

They are an excuse for inaction.

I’m not saying that spiritual people–those who send out happy thoughts and prayers to the universe or the divine–are inherently ineffective. That would be unfair, prejudiced, and hypocritical, as I’m spiritual myself.

However, thoughts and prayers become futile when they are not coupled with advocacy, action, legislation, boycotts, and voting.

It’s one thing to pray for the poor—it’s another thing to feed the poor. Thoughts and prayers are the seeds to action,but they are not equivalent to action itself.

As a therapist, I hear daily that people would like better mental health, better relationships, to stop worrying so much, but this ultimately takes hard work. I’m paid to point my clients in the right direction for an hour a week, but what’s done for the other 167 hours is up to them.

Leadership Question:

(5 minutes)

Would I rather be known as a person with good intentions or a person who takes concrete action? Why?

They are not a true apology.

Working with many leaders of marginalized identities, I say this all day as a therapist:

The only apology that we should accept from others is changed behavior–or the effort towards changed behavior.

(This is especially important if you are in a marginalized identity because you have learned to tolerate a lot of cruelty, marginalization, and disrespect in order to achieve your status, income, or title. I have not worked with a single high achiever of a marginalized identity–whether BIPOC, female, LGBTQIA+, fat, neurodivergent or disabled–who has not encountered heaps of bullshit and ignorance to get to where they are. This includes you. I see you.)

Thoughts and prayers are neither a movement towards behavior change or behavior change itself. At worst, they say, “Behavior doesn’t matter as long as we’re thinking happy thoughts.”

Hear how ridiculous that sounds? It’s also disrespectful to the memories of those who were lost to senseless gun violence.

The only apologies the grieving families in Uvalde, Buffalo, Columbine (and, sadly, too many other places to mention) should be getting from authority figures are efforts to make sure that this never happens again, to any other family, to any other school, to any other child, to any other community.

Leadership Questions:

(10 minutes)

What are times I made empty apologies in my life, and why? When have I received empty apologies? How did I know that they were empty?

For better or for worse, times of crisis are times when leaders are made.

Take good care of yourselves. Give yourself time to grieve. Know that I am here to support you.

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May 15 2022

Why You Should Listen To A Therapist On Leadership

Therapists on Leadership leadership exercises, leadership questions, SINCERE

Reading Time: 5 minutes
Reading Time with Exercises: 55 minutes

My name is Mari Verano, MA, LMFT. I’m a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in California with a certificate in Neuroscience for Clinical Practice and over twelve years of clinical experience. I have a thriving therapy practice where clients wait years to specifically work with me.

This is why you should listen to me when I talk about leadership.

I’m experienced in diagnosing an issue, the scope of the issue, and assessing the potential impact on a client’s life.

It is my job to give a correct diagnosis, intervene to reduce the symptoms of that diagnosis, and help keep clients (and the public) safe when symptoms spike to dangerous levels.

Similarly, effective leaders face reality. One of the top reasons why people quit their jobs is because they don’t like their supervisor, and many people don’t like their supervisor due to bad management—including their boss’s failure to acknowledge serious issues that everyone else can see.

Unhappy Employee: “They just let this person do whatever they wanted because this was their son. That spoiled little brat did whatever the hell they wanted and drove people who were actually doing their jobs out of here. Now I’m stuck doing whatever Daddy’s Little Boy wants although he doesn’t do shit.”

Happy Employee: “The CEO made it very clear that although his son worked for him, he got no special treatment. As a matter of fact, when his son showed up drunk to work, he immediately fired him. I happened to overhear him say he was sent to rehab. I respect that he followed through on what he promised.”

LEADERSHIP QUESTION:

(10 minutes)

What is one thing that you are not fully facing at work or in your personal life?

What are the implications if you don’t fully face this?

If the problem is out of my scope, I refer out or get help as soon as possible.

I am ethically bound to refer a client out to a provider with more expertise if the client is out of my scope of practice. (If I know I can’t help someone, I can’t fake it because this could be a life or death decision.)

Similarly, effective leaders hire consultants, read books, or meet with their colleagues if they encounter a problem they feel like they can’t handle alone.

Unhappy Employee: “My white, male boss pretended he knew everything. He didn’t consult the marketing specialist on our team–actually, he talked down to her because she was a Black woman. If we had listened to her, we wouldn’t have lost that much revenue this quarter. She was right, he was wrong, and he has too much ego to admit it.”

Happy Employee: “He was the best boss I ever had because he always hired people who were smarter than him in his areas of weakness, and he knew how to delegate.”

LEADERSHIP EXERCISE:

(10 minutes)

Name one area where you’d like to grow your expertise. Identify a resource that can help you (a book, podcast, mentor) and commit to learning from this resource five minutes a day.

I teach others how to lead themselves.

It is my job to make myself obsolete. I cannot ethically continue working with a client when a client no longer benefits from my expertise. At that point, I put together a plan to end therapy, remind the client of the skills that they learned, and wish them well on their journey—or refer them out to someone who has more expertise.

Similarly, effective leaders teach teams their leadership skills, are not threatened by the growth of their team members, and are humbly aware that one day, their team members might outgrow them.

Unhappy Employee: “When the boss was gone for a week due to an emergency, everything fell apart. It was clear that she hadn’t taught the team her procedures and protocols–hell, an e-mail with a few instructions would have done wonders. We were like rats on a sinking ship.”

Happy Employee: “When the boss was gone for a week due to an emergency, we knew exactly where policies, procedures, and protocols were to keep the company running.”

LEADERSHIP QUESTION:

(10 minutes)

What are some things you can do to help your team develop their skills?

I am trained to be truthful, but compassionate.

I’m trained to tell my clients the truth, but not in a way that’s abusive or accusatory. I strive to treat my clients with compassion and have compassion for their unique identities while also bringing unhealthy behaviors to their attention.

Similarly, effective leaders know how to have the hard conversations with someone while keeping the focus on performance. They know when to be more “hard ass” and when to be softer. They are not 100% “hard ass” nor 100% permissive. They know when to switch gears.

Unhappy Employee: ”When the boss was unhappy with how someone on our team performed, we knew because we could hear the yelling from down the hall. I started to think, ‘No salary is worth my mental health.’ I was out of there within six months.”

Happy Employee: “My boss always tells me exactly what I did wrong, specific steps to improve, and how she can help me.”

LEADERSHIP QUESTION:

(10 minutes)

How can you give difficult feedback with compassion?

5. I am ethically obligated to act if I suspect danger.

In California, licensed therapists are mandated reporters, which means that I am ethically bound to report suspected child or elder abuse.

Similarly, successful leaders know the “red flags” of employees committing unethical or illegal acts. They address these red flags as quickly and safely as possible.

Unhappy Employee: “I had warned my manager that this person was working under false credentials. I had called up the graduate school they had supposedly attended and there was no record of them. My manager brushed the matter under the rug until she found out this person was committing fraud. Sorry, but that was too little, too late. I’d already started looking for another position.”

Happy Employee: “My boss found out that the ‘star salesman’ had been stealing from under her nose for over a year. He was let go soon afterward. Everyone was shocked because this person was so charming and well-liked; however, my boss made it clear she has zero tolerance for anyone who steals from the company. We all walked away with a newfound respect for her.”

LEADERSHIP QUESTION:

(10 minutes)

What are some employee “red flags” that must be immediately addressed?

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